Better Left Undone

So, I’ve been working on a piece about the ending of my relationship for a while now. I spent the last two days pressing into it, reaching to the bottom of my heart and scraping along the walls trying to find the words to describe what it was like, what happened, and how things are now. I spent the whole day wrestling, trying to find the through line that would bring it all together. I prayed for the words and still they came on stilts, disjointed and hard to grab hold of. Then the thought occurred to me:

Maybe it just isn’t the right time and maybe it is better left undone.

We live in a culture that praises “following up” or “following through.”  Everywhere you look there is an influencer, masterclass, workshop, or healing sound bath, designed to make you the ultimate completer of every task you set yourself out to do.  Whether you're a normie or neurospicy sleeper agent, a single mom of seventeen or power couple in adjacent corner offices, there is someone somewhere who can help you achieve even greater levels of productivity (which equals higher levels of success.) It's as if the whole world revolves around the end of the race, crossing the finish line and tearing that ticker tape. Not only must you finish, you have to “finish well.” It isn’t good enough to cross the finish line; gods forbid you finish in last place. These expectations are so deeply ingrained in us that we’ve become a trophy culture, which would rather hand out participation medals instead of teaching our children that they don’t need a prize to enjoy the game. Truthfully, I think this is in opposition to so much of what makes being human beautiful. The truth, I believe, is far more nuanced. 

Sometimes, finishing what you start isn’t the point. Sometimes, it's enough to start out, to try.

If every time you start something you have to finish it, to produce some grandiose ending, there would naturally be a plethora of things you didn’t start. No wonder we are a generation that struggles to have hobbies besides brunching. Sometimes it feels like there is some unwritten rule echoing in the air: “If we don’t see it, it didn’t happen.” Who wants to show the world their half dead snake plant sitting alone in the pot on their office window sill? Who wants to make an edited cut of them crocheting a single stitch, producing the one and only blanket they know how to make? It so rarely occurs to us that it is a option to be bad at something, to put something down half-way through. It's as if this is an irreprehensible moral failure, to quit while your ahead. This type of inner criticism can sap the joy out of simple things like a half-alive snake plant that brightens up your room, or the calm that comes from crocheting the same thing over and over again. It can rob us of curiosity, the spirit of exploration, for fear that we can’t make the merited commitment to whatever lies on the other side of the journey. 

What if we started things and set out to be mediocre at them? What if we started things and fully embraced that we may not finish them? What would we try? What would we dare to do? 

I think we struggle so much with this because we live in a society that values product over people, and who wants an unfinished product, especially in this economy? We are constantly being sold something: marketing, flash mobs, social media posts, product placements and ads, ads, ads. We are constantly bombarded with images, sights, even sounds and smells, that are designed to make us want. The other side of that coin is that merit is based on how much you can produce, how much you can put out there for purchase. And for most people, the most accessible product is themself. So, you are constantly looking to sell your mind, your image, your knowledge, your talents and skills; any and every part of you becomes something along a conveyor belt. It's become so easy to see ourselves this way, that it goes deeper than feeling and awareness for most of us, most of the time.

I know that my thoughts are bent this way; believe you me, I have first hand experience with this. The gift and curse of having ADHD is that I simply can’t follow through like a conveyor belt in a manufacturing plant. The downside is that I constantly wrestle with feelings of inadequacy and a lack of merit. The plus side is that I’m often asking myself, “Why do I feel this way?” I’ve taken a lot of time to think about this and have caught myself constantly thinking things like, “I have to do this by X, and it has to be perfect,” or “don’t put out a bad blog because you’ll never get X if you do,” or “what kind of sister/friend/daughter/partner would you be if you didn’t make sure X happened or X got done?” These thoughts grate constantly against this deeper intrinsic knowing that I am, as I am, enough. So the mental sparring match begins, and who wins depends upon the day. This line of questioning - and years of therapeutic work - have led me to an answer in the form of a question: 

What if we treasured what was ongoing or going on, instead of what was done or finished? 

What if, instead of focusing on the things we have finished, we focused on the things we were doing? What if instead of praising others for what they learned, we praised them for what they are learning? What if we find ourselves treasuring the process of arriving instead of just getting there? 

Things aren’t made worthwhile because they  can be sold, marketed, flash-mobbed about, or posted on an online blog. Sometimes, you start down a road and realize you chose wrongly, and scramble back or pivot onto a new path. Sometimes the words just aren’t there yet, aren’t available for access just because of an arbitrary deadline fast approaching. Sometimes, it's just not the right thing or the right time. Sometimes, being bad at something is more enjoyable. Sometimes, being mediocre is more satisfying. Wouldn’t it be better to learn when to pause and reflect on whether productiveness is the point, or whether there is value in just trying something? Wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy the journey, knowing that the end is just another beginning, and life isn’t a line but a wheel, and we are all circling the same sun with the same twenty-four hours, and not everything needs to be finished before the sunrises or sets. Perhaps, we would do well to remember that nothing we look at in awe of, now, happened overnight, that true greatness can’t come from force over finesse. What if we allowed ourselves to rest, to recuperate from the moments that broke or mended our hearts or heads. 

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How would our lives be different if we valued intrinsic reward over external validation? How would our lives be different if we were human beings not human machines? 

I write for myself. I must write, and when I don’t it is I who pays the price. I write for my soul’s sake, because my mind needs a place to go where it can land softly and without judgement, because it’s a way I know I can bring beauty into the world. Of course, with that last one, I want the beauty not just for myself. I want to spread it around like sunlight refracting off a thousand early morning dew drops. I want to create and share my creation. This is natural and, I think, a good thing. However, when I stop writing because I must, and start writing for your applause in likes, shares, compliments, and questions about when I will properly publish my work, it ceases to be joyous work. Without the joy, the beauty fades. It’s like eating, not because you must to keep your body alive or because you enjoy the taste of food,  but because someone else told you too; what happens when they stop asking, or if they never start asking? Do you starve? That sounds ridiculous, but so much of what we do operates in this way. In our world, not only is production praised, but visibility is exponentially increased, so much so that we are losing touch with the humanity of being quietly in process,  of doing for the sake of doing and not the sake of who will view it, buy it, or try to take it from us.

I guess my point is simply to make and undertake but, also, understand that not everything needs to be pressed or pressured out of you simply because speedy production is culturally valuable. You get to make your own culture, you get to set your own pace, and those who are meant to be served by the beauty or goodness you bring to the world will be there waiting for it. Finishing is the result for both the tortoise and the hare, so don’t hurry yourself. Slow and steady can win the race, and it’s also a great way to approach old fashioned hiking for hiking sake, which is just as good. Perhaps, better.

I’m not saying be a quitter, I’m simply saying be a human being, not defined  by what you put out, get done, or can make, but rather by who you are and who you are becoming. 

Of course, there is value to finishing things and in doing things well. People depend on us and we must depend on ourselves. We should eat, and we should wash the dishes we eat off of. We should complete our portion of the class or work project. We should push ourselves at points in life, like making that 30-minute walk a 45-minute walk from time to time. What I’m suggesting is not about giving up or giving in, anymore than it is about finishing up or finishing it. What I’m suggesting is that we remove the value placement that we’ve put on those ideas and on ourselves; that we divorce the merit of our lives from how many people we can sell ourselves to online.  

I want to believe that it is possible. I want to believe that making this simple, but difficult to execute, shift can change our society for the better. If you are important to me, not because of what I get from you or what you have accomplished and instead, for the simple fact that what could have been a burning ball of gas in outer space is somehow standing right in front of me in human flesh, the world would beat with a different heart. Perhaps, with the heart intended for it all along. 

Sometimes, it's enough to try. Sometimes it's enough to finish quietly and without fanfare. Sometimes, things are a hobby that we do, not to have another stream of income, but to become more rich in joy and contentment. Sometimes, it's not about what others can see or give but what we can see or give within ourselves. What new horizons would expand before our eyes, if we allowed the journey towards them to be our prize? How much more freedom and joy would come from the things we did finish, if we didn’t have to finish everything.

It’s just a thought, still incomplete. Today, that’s okay with me.